Jan 5, 2014

A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the ER

 In lieu of an episode from The Ingenue, I've decided to bring you an oldy but a (hopefully) a goody. This is a totally true story (with only a few embellishments).

Warning.....This story is rated PSF: Possible Spew Factor. Do not read if you are eating, have recently eaten, are thinking about eating soon or currently drinking in front of your computer. And whatever you do, DO NOT Google for real images to find out what "it" actually looks like. This reporter is not responsible for any nausea caused by reading this Totally True Story. Names have been changed to protect the guilty.

Let's start by saying that "I" have allergies. Actually, let's start with have you ever seen the movie - The Blob? Either the classic 1958 version or the newer (not so classic version) If not, go ahead and Google for pictures. It will give you a nice visual. Go ahead. I'll wait. Back? So, I have allergies and I came to realize that during certain times during allergy season, I saw a blob-like substance in my nose. I know what you are thinking, Blob-like? You mean snot right? NO. I don't mean snot. I mean a solid, gelatinous looking thing that is stuck inside my nose and won't come out no matter how hard I blow. I figure that if I can't blow it out, it probably belongs there. So, I use Nasal Steroids when it really bothers me and pretty much ignore it otherwise.

Why not see a doctor? You ask. Well, I got the steroids and it doesn't hurt and I got this thing about not going to see a doctor unless something is falling off. Boy does that come back to bite me in the arse. So last night I'm taking a shower and get an itch in my nose, so I blow it. And something feels weird. Like I have this pressure on my upper lip that wasn't there before. Ever see the movie, The Grudge with Sarah Michelle Gellar? Or at least the scene where she is in the shower, washing her hair and she feels something weird and freaks out while the audience sees the hand in her hair? So of course, since I didn't see any snot, I reached up to my nose and felt it....The Blob.

I'm like, WTF! Holey Sheet (DH and I are trying to not cuss in front of DS (Darling Son) so Holey Sheet, Cawd Hammit, you get the picture). I get out of the shower, wrap a towel around me and look in the mirror. Of course, this is where the sublime meets the ridiculous. OMFG! I blew my sinuses out of my nose! What color is brain matter? Ugh, nevermind. I knew it wasn't snot 'cuz it was too solid, and totally attached. (Yes, I tugged gently. Who wouldn't?)

So now I'm totally freaking out and call DH (Darling Husband) and tell him I need help. I preface our conversation with, "I'm sorry. This is totally gross, but I need help" and pull down my hand from my nose to reveal... The Blob.

Now, let me say that DH is very stoic, hardly anything fazes him. Usually. His eyes widened and he took a step back as if it was contagious! He looks at me in absolute horror as if I had suddenly grown a penis. (Think - spoiler!- The Crying Game movie shock, the girl is actually a guy with a penis). Then morbid curiosity gets the better of him and he steps in for a closer look.

"Can you blow it out? Did you pull on it?" He asks.  

Thank you Captain Obvious, I would have never thought of that!

"No. Should I keep trying? Can you blow your sinuses out your nose?" I asked.

"Yes. Don't know. Let me Google it," he answers with a horrified look in his face.

In the meantime, I go back in front of the mirror for a closer inspection. Now, if you don't quite have a visual yet, think of a naked guy running away from an ax-wielding maniac flopping his family jewels all over the place. In fact, The Blob looked like an inflated scrotum. (So my dear, kind friend who is laughing hysterically as I tell her this story the next morning...Thanx Joyce!...christens it - THE DONG).

Well, the Dong is not going anywhere except flopping under my nose. So I go and help DH research and thanks to Google and Wiki, we think we found what it is...a Nasal Polyp. (Don't Google nasal polyp - reality is so not as funny as this story).

"So....should I just shove it back in? Or go to Urgent Care?" I ask calmly. CALMLY, you wonder? Well, I'm not in pain or bleeding and since I'm pretty confident that it is not brain matter (anymore), I figure that running around like a headless chicken will only make the Dong flop around more.

DH ponders, broods, daydreams, considers the meaning of life. "Urgent Care," he finally responds.

BTW - have I mentioned this is at night and its now 9:15pm? So we look for one that is opened and close by. Find one but they do not have ENT (ear/nose/throat) docs on call. I head out alone (DH has to stay with DS who is 5 and really, REALLY wanted to see mommy's nose ouchie). Then half way there, I realize that our alma mater has a medical school and a huge hospital and its close by so they've got to have ENTs on call. So I call DH on cell phone and have him call them to make sure. They do so I go to their Urgent Care/ER.

Since the Dong is disgusting, I cover it with a tissue in order to protect little kids psyche and old folks from croaking at the sight of my Dong. (To my horror, there were actually a ton of little kids at the UC that late at night.) About 2 hours later, I finally get to see the nurse who will assess the nature of my emergency.

"So. What brings you in tonight?" asks the pleasantly bored nurse.

Slowly, I move my tissue away from my nose and ....TADAAAH!

Her eyes widen. She cocks her head sideways. I see the startled look in her eyes and think, Wow, ER nurse and she's surprised! THAT'S SOOOOO NOT GOOD!

"Well. That's different," she replies.

"I think it's a nasal polyp," I said.

"Had it before?" she asks as she turns back to her computer and types away.

"Nope. Googled it and Wikipedia. But I didn't want to yank without being sure in case it's something that I should keep." Yank the Dong...Now that's funny.

"Good for you. But I don't know how you managed to not yank it. I don't have a room but I can give you a mask which has got to be better than the tissue and you can wait in the waiting room."

That sucked but I wasn't in pain and I wasn't bleeding so I take it and go back into the waiting room with my SARs mask and continue to read my book. Life Lesson: Always take a book, a Gameboy, or your MP3 when going to the doctor's cuz if you expect to be there an hour, it usually means you'll be there for 5 hours.

I get called in around 11:40 pm to wait some more on a gurney in a hallway 'cuz there is still no rooms available. So I, again, wait and wait on a gurney in front of the bathroom. Then another nurse comes around and is waiting for her patient who is now using the bathroom. She sees me and asks if I'm waiting for the bathroom. I tell her no, I was told to park it and wait for the doc. She looks at me and asks,

"So, what are you in for?"

Calmly, I pull the mask aside (don't want the Dong to get tangled).

"WHOA!" (Like the Keanu Reeves, whoa!).

"Tell me about it," I reply.

Finally, I get to see the doc, tho I'm still on the gurney. Now, I'm figuring, that he's gonna have the same reactions as the nurses and I'm gonna have to tell him I think its a polyp. I do my, now well rehearsed, TAADAAAH!! But if he was surprised, he didn't show it. Nerves of Steel, MAN!

He looks up the nose, both nostrils. "Yeah, I see you have polyps on both nostrils".


"But the other one is small." Well, compared to the Dong...who wouldn't feel inadequate? So he takes my history and calls the ENTs.

He comes back about 20 min later with options. "Normally, ENT would take you into surgery to get them it out and in the process get both out. But since that is not choice for you we have two other options. I can shove it back in and we can treat it periodically until you can have surgery."

The thought of the DONG being shoved back in and having to deal with it for months is unappealing to say the least and I can't help but think hemorrhoids.

"Or we can pack it with cocaine, then inject lidocaine and {something else} and I can cut it off." Thank GOD, he's offering to cut off the Dong tonight!

I question the safety of the medications and when I'm satisfied, I say, "CUT IT OFFFFF!" So the Dong is wrapped in a cocaine soaked pad and we wait for it to work. If I understood it correctly, its to restrict blood flow since polyps are rich in blood. So I finally get a room at around 1 am and they start to prep for the castration of my DONG. The original nurse sees that I'm still there and the Doc is going to cut it off and so she gleefully volunteers to assist. I secretly think she has something against Dongs. So they unpack the Dong and now its no longer the DONG but rather a shriveled raisiny pathetic shadow of its previous glory.

It was cold!!!! SHRINKAGE!!!!! Joyce yells out in defense of the original DONG.

The coke shrank it. Life Lesson for the Guys: Stay far, far away from cocaine. At least be sure not to wrap you family jewels in a coke soaked gauze. Now instead of a fat grape in my nose it was a long old raisin. The Doc and nurse are surprised at the shrinkage but it gives the doc more room to maneuver. He pulls out a speculum (Yes ladies, just like the duck bill at the OBGYN but thankfully smaller) to open up my nose and goes to work.

OMG, tho I couldn't feel any pain, I did feel him cutting. Very unnerving to say the least. I moved my arms cuz at first they were laying on my stomach but I realized that if I jerked, I could hit him so the nurse asks, "You ok?"

"I'm fine just don't want to accidentally hit the doc," - should have added - and end up with a nose ring.

So he cuts it off and I can immediately breathe better. He asks me if I want to see it. Well, HELL YEAH! Gotta see it out. When it's something that disgusting and it comes out of your body, you gotta be curious. Kinda like I was when I delivered DS. I was the talk of the nurse's station but thankfully not so Ripley's Believe It or Not that they felt they had to call all of the hospital staff to take a look at it. To get an idea about size, look at your pinky. Take about 60% off the total size and that was the size of my lumpy PINK DONG!!!! Who says women have penis envy? We can get our noses to grow one (or at least a scrotum looking monstrosity)!

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